How did I feel the moment I became a parent?



Ava and Mommy



Sally Jean and Mommy

The moment...oh.that.moment.  When I became a parent I remember thinking and feeling a multitude of things.  I was ecstatic, thrilled, shocked, joyful, content, at peace, complete, terrified, nervous, frustrated, overwhelmed, fearful and tired. 

So many emotions took over me.  I was thrilled and ecstatic because we had longed for children.  I had wanted to be a mommy for about as long as I can remember.  I was shocked because I couldn't believe you were finally here.  I was joyful because I was so blessed to be given such a gift from God.  I was content because this was what I wanted.  I felt such a peace within me because I felt God's loving arms wrapping around me as I began this adventure.  I felt complete because my heart was so full and bursting at the seams.

But, on the flip side, I was terrified.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I was nervous because what if I did everything wrong, disappointed God, wasn't good at the mommy thing.  I was frustrated because this mommy thing was a lot harder than I had ever imagined.  I was overwhelmed because being a parent is a never ending job.  I was fearful because this world is sick and scary and there is so much to protect you from.  I was tired, well, because  you are a full time job. 

I wouldn't trade any of these emotions.  They have all been necessary in order to make me learn a few things and give up a few things to God. 

I cannot tell you how much joy you continue to bring to me.  You light up my life.  Literally.  When you wake up in the morning and I hear you, I can't wait to see you.  When you are crying for one reason or another, I cannot wait to comfort and hold you.  Your cheeks are more than I can bear and they just have to be smooched all the time.  I love to attack you with tickles and sneak some hugs in there, too. 

I don't have everything figured out.  In fact, there are days I think I don't have ANYTHING figured out.  But day by day, God clears the clutter out and guides me through our day.  I make mistakes. Constantly.  I disappoint you and I disappoint myself.  Those things will continue to happen because I am human,  with filth, dirt and grime all over me.  But, I promise you this, I will never stop striving to be a perfect mom for you.  I will always look to God for His guidance and only perfect knowledge He can give. 

I love you and I love being a mommy to you.  God put you in the perfect family.