Motherhood

It's 3:57 am...Curtis' phone goes off with a text message at 1:45 am and here I am...awake...I need my sleep...desperately.  I go through this often.  The smallest of sounds will wake me up and I am up for the rest of the night.  The checklist going on and on in my mind.  All the things I have to get done and without any sleep...and then I am completely overwhelmed. 

Motherhood...how it has drastically changed my life.  I no longer sleep through everything.  I can barely sleep through anything.  I am always exhausted...always.  Taking naps or having that rare morning when I get to sleep in no longer rejuvenates me, but leaves me more worn out and tired.  And when was the last time I sat down to a hot meal and ate without any interruptions?  At least not in the last 11 months. 

Now I have a little girl who is really showing some independence.  Yesterday was hard.  She was in a mood, I was in a mood, neither one of us was feeling good, we were both extremely tired from the very busy week and weekend we had, mommy had lots to do, Ava wanted to explore everything that she wasn't suppose to, Ava threw fits every time mommy took something away from her she shouldn't have, Ava would rear back every time mommy picked her up and would cry, leaving mommy feeling unloved, incapable, and lost.  And asking, God where are You? I need You, so bad right now!

But motherhood was never a promise to be easy.  In fact, even after teaching classrooms full of 7 and 8 year olds, I think being a mommy is even harder.  And while being a stay at home mom is such a blessing and I wish all who wanted to stay at home could, it is not easy (despite what others may say).  Sometimes I feel like maybe I wasn't made for this...what is the point?  Why am I here? 

Don't get me wrong.  I love being a mom!  I love Ava!  I am truly blessed by her life and the one that is on the way.  I find these children as gifts that God has blessed us with.  But am I doing it well?  Am I making God proud of the way I am raising and taking care of this little one? How am I going to do with 2 little ones under 14 months old?  Can I make it happen? 

I read tonight that motherhood is about nurturing, loving, protecting, instructing, creating a place at home that allows the children to grow and mature in their relationship with Christ and to help them grow a heart for God and teach them so they are able to one day leave my home and live their life with fullness and meaning.  It is so hard to do this and to feel like you are doing a good job with a 10 month (almost 11 month) old.  You basically do the same thing every day and hope that she is catching on to something.  But as long as I am doing this thing called motherhood with love, self-control, and not with selfishness, then I am honoring God. 

That's all I want...I want to honor God with what I do.  I want to honor God with the raising of these children...after all, they are ultimately His.  He has just given them to me for this time here on earth to do all those things mentioned previously. 

So, if you are on the motherhood journey and are feeling purposeless, lost, frustrated, afraid, etc., remember to just love and nurture those kiddos.  Protect them and cultivate in them a heart for God and God will pour down His blessings upon you and remind you how great your job as a mom is.