Monday, September 9, 2013

Stuck-broken

Have you ever felt stuck? Have you ever felt broken?  Have you ever been chasing something that cannot be grasped?

Thats me-me- right now, today.  I have a full and abundant life- but I don't feel it.  I don't see it.  I feel weak, consumed by wreckless thoughts, lost, and often, I feel hopeless.  I don't know what the reason is...when I try and think about why I feel this way-I can't find any...ANY...explanation.  It makes no sense...and then the feeling of ungratefulness comes.  How ashamed I am that I have no reason to feel this way, but still I do. 

Ever since this recent pregnancy I have gotten in a rut.  I have a hard time getting anything done.  I get hardly any cleaning done, and when I do, the house ends up looking a mess by the end of the day.  I feel like I do the same things day after day.  I feel like I have no energy to play and love on my little girl.  I have no patience with my husband.  I constantly feel like my life is in some hole, that I have created.  I often feel alone.  Then I read friends blogs who are super mommies and the shame sets in again.  I feel incapable, unworthy to call myself a wife and mother.  Others make it look so easy and I am struggling day to day.  I love being a wife and mommy, but I feel like I am doing such a horrible job at it lately.  I am really being vunerable in sharing all this and I feel like such a failure...I have one child, not multiple children.  How in the world am I going to be able to take care of 2 children under 15 months if I can't do it now with one? 

Even in all the scripture reading I do, all the little bible studies I am a part of, I am still lost, still stuck, still broken.  And then I wonder, what, who, WHERE would I be if I didn't believe in being a part of any of those things?  What would it be like to not know God and His unwavering love for me?  Who would I look to?  Where would I find peace and joy? I thank God that through this season of life I am finding myself currently in, that I have a God that I know and that listens to me.  I thank God that I know a God who can take this hopeless, impossible state I feel I am in and make it possible to come out of and even stronger and better. 

Then, it makes me hurt for those who don't know God or understand His love for them.  How do they get through a day?  What are they putting their hope in?  I want them to know God and everything about Him.  

God, I thank you, even for the stuggles I am facing, because I know You are making me stronger through it all.  I know there is a plan and a purpose for me and I know You will speak that to me and show me who it is You have created me to be.  I thank you for being who You are and loving me even when I am not seeing Your blessings You have showered me with.  Forgive me for not putting all my contentment in You and for searching for things here are on earth to appease me.  Obviously, those things aren't working and I am realizing that I need You...only You.  Father, help me to be a person of light in this world.  Strengthen me to overcome these battles I am facing and help my light to shine so others will see You living in me. 

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