My Name is Mandy and I struggle with ANGER

It was a surprising day for me when I found out about all this anger and bitterness that was rooted deep inside of me.  It just sprang up out of me all of a sudden.  I never thought that my own children would be the catalyst in me expressing just how angry of a person I was, but they were.  I taught 6 and 7 year olds, a lot of them, all at once, in one small room.  It was like a circus all the time.  I often felt like I lived in crazy town when I taught and while I did get mad and irritated at times, I never remember seeing my anger explode out of me like I have with my own flesh and blood.

I remember the first time I got really angry as a mother.  Ava was maybe 8 months old and would not eat.  She refused anything I would give her.  After a few days of this, I started to get worried and my worry can often come out as anger.   Anyway, I remember being so rude to this sweet little 8 month old and I remember thinking that she was being defiant.  I had even convinced Curtis that she was trying to drive me crazy with her not eating because she knew how important it was for me as a mom to have her eat and she wanted to be disobedient.  So, a few more days passed and she still wasn't eating.  I took her into the doctor and she had an oral virus.  She wasn't eating because it hurt to eat and I was being so hard on her and not a nice mommy at all.

And then, I had Sally.  She tops the cake.  No-one can get me angry like this child.  She is stubborn and so strong willed.  I know those of you who talk to me on a regular basis hear me say this all the time and I know most of you will see some of her behaviors.  But, you only see a glimpse of what life is like with her.  She is hard.  Hard.  Haaaaaaaaaard.  She cries or whines the majority of the day, and waking up to it and hearing her go to bed like that is not pleasant.  Noises never seemed to bother me, not in a chaotic classroom filled with 25 different little voices all needing something at the same time.  I mean, I never thought noises bothered me.  The bunches of toys that the girls have that all talk or play music or whatever, those don't bother me.  But the whining and nagging and crying sound of Sally's voice really grates on my every. last. nerve.

I know that isn't a nice thing to say.  I wish I didn't feel that way.  And I have felt that way so much of the time.  Too much of the time.  Most of the time.

And that is when I get angry.  And it isn't pretty.  I hate it about me.  I don't even really know where it truly stems from.

Today has been brutal.  This week has been brutal.  It has been depleting.  I have tried really hard to absorb my mind, eyes, and ears with all things pleasing and good and godly and I feel like all I have done this week is fail.  One miserable failure after another.  I cried out to God today telling Him how upset I was, how hopeless I felt, how I felt like maybe I wasn't cut out to do this mom thing, after all.

I am not sharing this for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am writing this because I am tired of being "fake".  I am tired of the fake ness all over social media.  I am tired of pretending things are perfect, which I have never really done, but there is so much perfection that surrounds me and I can't take it anymore.

We all are broken some where and in some way.  We all have our sin nature.  Anger happens to be one of mine.  And I know I am not alone.  When Revive our Hearts does a 4 day podcast on "pitchin a fit" you know that you are bearing this struggle along with other moms and dads.  I don't say that to justify my behavior.  While I know it is ok to have the angry emotion, it is not ok to act out sinfully in anger.  When Sally is having one of the millionth moments in a day, I get so angry and when I think about what I am angry about, I think about how long will this be my life and my experience with her?  Will this ever end?  Will God use this for His glory?  I am ruining her for life?  And the list and thoughts go on and on.

I am sharing my struggle with you all so maybe others will find comfort that they are not alone.  That it is ok to be real.  To be honest.  It is ok that we all have brokenness. My brokenness can be and will be made beautiful in God's perfect timing.  If I weren't broken then there would be no need for Jesus, and we all know I desperately need Him.  He makes His Power perfect in my weakness.  Where I am weak, He is strong.

I want to share one other thing with you.  I am working really hard to get to the root of these issues.  I don't want to live my life angry, I don't want my anger to be the majority of the experiences my family has with me, and I don't want to give this part of me to my kids.  I am in recovery for my anger and have begun a step study through Celebrate Recovery for it.

This week has been a doozy.  I know we are all muddling through something in our lives.  I know I am not alone.  Shed some light on your brokenness.  There is beauty to behold there.