When it rains it pours...

We were on our way to church this morning and what to my wondering eyes do appear but the check engine light. Well, if you know me at all, you know I don't take warning lights appearing in my car lightly. A trek down to church is about 30 minutes and not knowing what is wrong with my car is taking a chance down an unknown, possibly unwelcome road. We thought it might be that I have low oil since I have an oil leak...probably due to hitting a giant log and carrying it with me hundreds of feet as my friend and I try to make our way through this torturous storm to a better place to pull over than in the middle of the street. We drove to a auto parts store close by and got some oil, but the engine light is still on. Now, I have been in cars who's owners allow the check engine light to stay on for a while and don't worry about it, but this car is not very old at all and it should not be showing this light whatsoever. When this happened I literally burst into tears. I was suppose to be at church helping our worship leader leads the children in worship. I have been completely overwhelmed with life lately, everything about it. Quite frankly, I have been depressed. When that indicator light came on in my car, I asked God, "what else? What else can you possibly throw at me?" Well, hopefully He doesn't show me what else He can toss my way, because truthfully, He could throw a ton more at me. I am going through such a test right now with every single aspect in my life and unfortunately, I have been leaving God out of it. I am not letting Him in. No wonder I can't deal with the daily anymore. No wonder I am drained of every ounce of energy. No wonder I am depressed. I would appreciate any prayers from those of you who believe in the miraculous power of prayer. I am lonely, lost, and just down right sad. I need help from God and I need prayers that I will allow Him to work these things out for me or atleast provide me the strength to get through them.

I wonder???

I wonder about many things throughout my day...I remember thinking on my way to work this morning as I drove through my neighborhood and saw lights turning on and the roads starting to show glimpses of life again and soon enough, another busy day beginning again, if this is what God had intended for us? I know the answer to that. He didn't have this in mind when He created us. He had us living in a beautiful garden living with animals and everything going along peacefully. If only Eve would have had strong will and courage to stay away from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and to resist the temptation to eat that forbidden fruit. Life would be so much more peaceful and different...to think I would actually be able to talk with animals. I mean the snake who was satan talked to Eve in the garden, tempting her to the tree. AND!!! she wasn't scared of the snake! Times were different then!
After another day at work and talking to others that have finished their day at work, I know this is not what God had in mind. But, it is what it is. We are here because of a choice made long ago and now we are paying the price by working long hours, being endlessly tired, feeling pushed, shoved, pulled in every which way and trying hard just to make a living. However, we still haven't paid the ultimate price. The price Christ paid for us on a cross. And I am truly thankful for that. So, tomorrow, when I feel like I can't do anymore, I hope I remember the price Christ paid and remember that there is nothing I can ever do that will ever amount to the sacrifice He made for me!

9-11 remembered

We stayed home from church today. We stayed home to reflect on what happened 10 years ago today. I remember that day so clearly. I remember running to my dorm room to call my mom and get a hold of my dad who was traveling to the pentagon for a meeting. I remember people crying. I remember being so angry...everyone so angry. I remember watching the buildings fall and seeing devastating pictures on the tv in NYC. That was a day I will never forget. It still brings tears to my eyes and it burns a hole in my heart.

But what I feel on this day is NOTHING compared to those who have lost family members to this tragedy. I do not understand the total pain they have to live through every day of their lives. I will never understand what they go through day in and day out. I will never understand the worry and fear those who have loved ones who are fighting for this country because of that day must have...the day war was declared on us.

I am always thinking about that day. Not just on 9-11. Those memories and thoughts are always pinned in the back of my brain. To the families who have lost loved ones on that day and to those who have lost loved ones to fight for the USA because of that day; I am so sorry for your loss. I know this day and every other day must be so difficult for you. I am always praying and thinking of you. To those who have allowed their husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, grandsons, grandaughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends fight for our freedom and rights in this country, thank you.

To our brave service men and women, thank you for all you do. Freedom comes with a price. Thank you for paying that price for us. Thank you for putting your lives on the line for people you don't know and for the country that you love.

Well, school has begun. I have to say I love my kids. They are fun and are going to definitely keep me on my toes. I can already tell I am going to learn so much from them and I might even learn a little about myself through these children.

This weekend has been especially difficult for me. I am not too certain as to why. I have sat in my bed for the majority of it, just feeling like I don't belong here. I feel that I have no purpose. I have wanted to be a mom all my life....and here I am....with no children. What am I doing here? I try not to worry about it, I really do..but it is not easy. I just need prayers. I need to believe in God and His perfect timing. But, I am having a really difficult time with that right now. Please pray for me as I try to have peace with the fact that I am not in charge, that my timing may not be His timing, and I don't always have to understand why.

A journey

I read a blog called The Journey. It is about a girl named Katie who is about my age 29 or younger. She lives in Africa and has adopted 13 african girls who are of all ages. Not only does she care for these little girls, but she is so available to anyone who comes to her door. Her love for Christ is so captivating. I read her stories and I am in tears and utterly amazed. Her life turns all eyes on Him. It is truly amazing. It makes me realize a deep dream I have had. When I was in high school I would go to an orphanage in Mexico during the summers. Ever since, I have wanted to have something to do with missions and kids. I would one day love to be the "parents" of an orphanage. I would love to be somewhere where I can pursue making disciples...a place where people have never heard His word. But, we (Curtis and I) are not available. We are so bogged down by our responsibilities here we can't just leave it. I want to be available. I want to not have things here that are tying me down. I want to be able to pack up and go to Africa for a few weeks if I want to go do some work over there. Maybe now is not the time, or maybe I am making excuses because deep down I am terrified of what God may have in store for us. Whatever it is, I pray that I will be able to make sense of what God is entrusting me with. I want Him to entrust me with much. I want to have a life story that points others to Him and his sovereignty and power. But, for now, He has me on this journey. So, I will accept the place I am in now and pray that for now I will still point others to Him. I am, however, sitting here, wondering what others roads He will have Curtis and I take along this journey. Here is a link to Katie's blog. You should read it..it is truly and utterly amazing!
http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com

Absolutely Refuse

Day 2 of workdays and already I am thinking..."REALLY?" But I refuse to let the doom and gloom of our state's budget get the best of me. Since I have been a teacher, every year we hear how the next year is going to be even more devastating financially. And..every year, things seem to turn out okay. God has our back. So I refuse to let it get the best of me. I refuse to let it interfere with me and my students. I refuse to allow it to consume my thoughts and make me worry. I refuse, I refuse, I absolutely refuse.

I am excited about this year. The fun thing about teaching is every summer a year ends and every August it is a fresh clean start. I am looking forward to getting to know the little younguns that are going to walk in my door next week. I am anxious to see their growth by the end of the year! I know that each child was given to me for a reason and I can't wait to figure it out.

Here is to a successful and fun 2011-2012 year!

And so it begins

The new school year is about to begin. This is always a nerve racking time of year. Students don't realize that teachers are as nervous as they are when it comes to starting off the year. I am not ready to say goodbye to sleeping in, cuddling with my puppy, going places, eating out for lunch, going to movies anytime of the day and not being always extremely exhausted. I love summer and am thankful I have a job that allows us that time off. The break is much needed for both teachers and students.

The new year brings about a lot of new feelings. It makes you wonder who your students will be and what will the dynamics be like in the classroom. You wonder if you will make a difference in their lives. The public school system gets a lot of bad publicity, but in the school I work in, there are many people who dedicate their life to this job. They love the children, they value education and do everything possible to help each child in their class succeed. I am fortunate enough to work with these people who value tomorrow's future.

So, here is to another year. Another year filled with good times, making differences, learning tons, and growing in multiple ways!